Post by Dianne(GodMommy2Max) on Jan 26, 2007 6:27:39 GMT -5
Just some things to pic us up as we all wait!
How do you...
induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
cure equine insomnia? Show them in a halter class.
get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Show them in a speed class.
get a horse to wash his own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
get a show horse to set up perfectly and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is around to see him.
induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
make a small fortune in the horse business? START WITH A LARGE ONE!
Horse Self- Improvement In 20 Easy Steps
1. I will NOT roll in streams when my human is on my back.
2. I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
3. I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
4. I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just to say "Hi".
5. I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
6. I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
7. I will NOT try to mooch goodies from every human within a one-mile radius.
8. I will NOT lay totally flat in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
9. I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
10. I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while my human is mucking my stall.
11. I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
12. I will NOT pull my shoes off the day after being shod just to prove that I can.
13. I am NEITHER a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or orally remodel the barn or the new fences.
14. I am NOT a battle steed and will NOT act like one.
15. I WILL forgive my human for my very bad haircut, even though I look ridiculous.
16. I WILL accept that not every carrot is for me.
17. I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during a trail ride just to say "Hi".
18. I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a deer.
19. I will understand that deer are NOT carnivorous.
20. I WILL gladly come from the pasture when my human wants my company.
A Letter from Your Horse
(original version)
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short-tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short-sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.
And now, the REAL DEAL....................
When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods and we need to leave NOW!
When you are short-tempered, let me teach yo u to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
When you are short-sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you that herbivores kick much faster and harder than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. Remember how I told you about those lions in them thar woods?
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs of "YAHOO LETS GO!" can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast, snack and dinner.
When yo u are tired, don't forget the 600 lbs of grain that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services".
When you want to learn, hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.
Horse Sales Terminology Translated:
BIG TROT: can't canter within a two mile straight-away.
NICELY STARTED: lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet.
TOP SHOW HORSE: won a reserve champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warnings.
HOME BRED: knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch.
BIG BONED: good thing he has a mane and tail, or he would be mistaken for a cow.
NO VICES: especially when he wears his muzzle.
BOLD: runaway.
GOOD MOVER: runaway.
ATHLETIC: runaway.
NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER: runaway.
SHOULD MATURE OVER 16 HANDS: currently 14 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 15.3 hands, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 16 hands, but *this* horse will defy his DNA and grow.
WELL MANNERED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a week.
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a month.
RECENTLY VETTED: someone else found something really wrong with this horse.
TO GOOD HOME ONLY: not really for sale unless you can
1) Pay twice what he is worth
2) Are willing to sign a 10 page legal document to allow current owner to tuck him in beddy-bye every night.
EXCELLENT DISPOSITION: never been out of the stall.
CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS: clippity clippity is the sound of his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.
FOR SALE DUE TO LACK OF TIME: rider cannot afford to spend anymore time in the hospital.
QUIET: dead (almost).
SPIRITED: psychotic.
WELL BRED: mother and father are also brother and sister!
COLOR IS BLACK: brown and/or dirty.
ANY VET CHECK WELCOME: Please pay for us to find out what the !@#$ is wrong with him!
SUITS EVENTING: no brakes.
SUITS DRESSAGE: no accelerator.
SUITS ANYONE: except us, we hate him!
Top Best: "Error in a Horse Ad":
These Horse Ad typos were collected by Hunter & Sport Horse magazine.
21. Appleloosa for sale.
20. Willingly piaffes & massages.
19. Bay 3-yr-old, lightly started, lounges well.
18. Cooked semen available.
17. Welsh filly, pretty head & eye. Just stared over fences.
16. 3-yr-old TB mare, recently startled under saddle.
15. Aged race gelding, has four clean kegs. (yippee! party animal!)
14. Rider must sell: horse going to college.
13. Gray pony, very athletic, broke to dive.
12. Small horse farm for sale, 33 acres, large fenced pastures plus three small haddocks.
11. Attractive gelding for CT, ready to brake in the spring.
10. Aged WB mare, no lices. Reasonably priced to good home.
9. Registered Hockey Club mare.
8. Super mover-gloats over the ground!
7. Always in the ribbons over fences & thunder saddle.
6. Select young stock for sale, top scores at insurrection.
5. 1899 premium filly offered for sale.
4. Oldenburg colt, will manure to 17 hands.
3. Young Hanoverian, started u/s, bumping over small courses.
2. Many sport horses for sale, all apes and sizes.
And the best Error in a Horse Ad:
1. LFG-Live Floral Guarantee.
How do you...
induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
cure equine insomnia? Show them in a halter class.
get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Show them in a speed class.
get a horse to wash his own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
get a show horse to set up perfectly and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is around to see him.
induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
make a small fortune in the horse business? START WITH A LARGE ONE!
Horse Self- Improvement In 20 Easy Steps
1. I will NOT roll in streams when my human is on my back.
2. I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
3. I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
4. I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just to say "Hi".
5. I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
6. I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
7. I will NOT try to mooch goodies from every human within a one-mile radius.
8. I will NOT lay totally flat in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
9. I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
10. I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while my human is mucking my stall.
11. I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
12. I will NOT pull my shoes off the day after being shod just to prove that I can.
13. I am NEITHER a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or orally remodel the barn or the new fences.
14. I am NOT a battle steed and will NOT act like one.
15. I WILL forgive my human for my very bad haircut, even though I look ridiculous.
16. I WILL accept that not every carrot is for me.
17. I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during a trail ride just to say "Hi".
18. I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a deer.
19. I will understand that deer are NOT carnivorous.
20. I WILL gladly come from the pasture when my human wants my company.
A Letter from Your Horse
(original version)
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short-tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short-sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.
And now, the REAL DEAL....................
When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods and we need to leave NOW!
When you are short-tempered, let me teach yo u to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
When you are short-sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you that herbivores kick much faster and harder than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. Remember how I told you about those lions in them thar woods?
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs of "YAHOO LETS GO!" can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast, snack and dinner.
When yo u are tired, don't forget the 600 lbs of grain that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services".
When you want to learn, hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.
Horse Sales Terminology Translated:
BIG TROT: can't canter within a two mile straight-away.
NICELY STARTED: lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet.
TOP SHOW HORSE: won a reserve champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warnings.
HOME BRED: knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch.
BIG BONED: good thing he has a mane and tail, or he would be mistaken for a cow.
NO VICES: especially when he wears his muzzle.
BOLD: runaway.
GOOD MOVER: runaway.
ATHLETIC: runaway.
NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER: runaway.
SHOULD MATURE OVER 16 HANDS: currently 14 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 15.3 hands, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 16 hands, but *this* horse will defy his DNA and grow.
WELL MANNERED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a week.
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a month.
RECENTLY VETTED: someone else found something really wrong with this horse.
TO GOOD HOME ONLY: not really for sale unless you can
1) Pay twice what he is worth
2) Are willing to sign a 10 page legal document to allow current owner to tuck him in beddy-bye every night.
EXCELLENT DISPOSITION: never been out of the stall.
CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS: clippity clippity is the sound of his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.
FOR SALE DUE TO LACK OF TIME: rider cannot afford to spend anymore time in the hospital.
QUIET: dead (almost).
SPIRITED: psychotic.
WELL BRED: mother and father are also brother and sister!
COLOR IS BLACK: brown and/or dirty.
ANY VET CHECK WELCOME: Please pay for us to find out what the !@#$ is wrong with him!
SUITS EVENTING: no brakes.
SUITS DRESSAGE: no accelerator.
SUITS ANYONE: except us, we hate him!
Top Best: "Error in a Horse Ad":
These Horse Ad typos were collected by Hunter & Sport Horse magazine.
21. Appleloosa for sale.
20. Willingly piaffes & massages.
19. Bay 3-yr-old, lightly started, lounges well.
18. Cooked semen available.
17. Welsh filly, pretty head & eye. Just stared over fences.
16. 3-yr-old TB mare, recently startled under saddle.
15. Aged race gelding, has four clean kegs. (yippee! party animal!)
14. Rider must sell: horse going to college.
13. Gray pony, very athletic, broke to dive.
12. Small horse farm for sale, 33 acres, large fenced pastures plus three small haddocks.
11. Attractive gelding for CT, ready to brake in the spring.
10. Aged WB mare, no lices. Reasonably priced to good home.
9. Registered Hockey Club mare.
8. Super mover-gloats over the ground!
7. Always in the ribbons over fences & thunder saddle.
6. Select young stock for sale, top scores at insurrection.
5. 1899 premium filly offered for sale.
4. Oldenburg colt, will manure to 17 hands.
3. Young Hanoverian, started u/s, bumping over small courses.
2. Many sport horses for sale, all apes and sizes.
And the best Error in a Horse Ad:
1. LFG-Live Floral Guarantee.
